Why Do We People Please? A Therapist’s Perspective
On a recent episode of Therapists in the Hot Seat, we were joined by CBT therapist Josh Munn, who has a special interest in people pleasing. It’s a behaviour many of us recognise—especially in British culture—where we prioritise others’ needs above our own, often at the expense of our mental health.
Josh shared his journey into therapy, which began after experiencing several significant life events as a younger man. Those painful life events gave him a deep empathy for others, leading him to train in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and EMDR. His lived experience also gave him insight into one of the most common patterns he sees in therapy: people pleasing.
What Is People Pleasing?
At its core, people pleasing is a behavioural pattern where we say “yes” when we really mean “no.” It often shows up as:
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Over-apologising, even when nothing is wrong
Taking on responsibility for others’ moods
Suppressing our own needs to keep others happy
While being agreeable can make us feel safe in the short term, Josh explained that it comes with long-term costs. People pleasing can chip away at self-esteem, increase anxiety, and even lead to burnout.
Why Do We Do It?
According to Josh, the roots of people pleasing can often be traced back to early experiences. For some, it’s about belonging: avoiding rejection by keeping everyone happy. Evolutionary psychology tells us that being part of the tribe was once a matter of survival. In modern life, that instinct can translate into a fear of conflict or rejection.
Josh also pointed out how people pleasing overlaps with ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence. Growing up with negative messages—“you’re too loud, too emotional, too messy”—can create deep sensitivities to criticism. People pleasing then becomes a coping strategy: if I can keep everyone happy, maybe I’ll be safe from rejection.
The Costs of People Pleasing
The problem is that saying “yes” all the time often means living out of line with our values. Maybe you stay out late when you’d rather go for a run in the morning. Maybe you eat food you don’t like just to go along with the group. Over time, this creates resentment and exhaustion.
Josh described it like running with a parachute on your back—you’re trying to move forward, but old patterns are weighing you down.
Ultimately, people pleasing is unsustainable. It can look like you’re doing all the right things on paper—socialising, saying yes, being helpful—but deep down you feel unfulfilled, anxious, or like an imposter.
Breaking Free From the Pattern
So, how do we break out of people pleasing? Josh recommends a few key steps:
Notice the Pattern – Start by simply paying attention. When do you say “yes” when you want to say “no”? How do you feel afterwards? Awareness is the first step.
Clarify Your Values – Ask yourself: Who do I want to be? What really matters to me? People pleasers often aren’t clear on their values, because life has been lived through the lens of others’ expectations.
Experiment With Boundaries – Try small behavioural experiments. Practice saying “no” kindly, and see what happens. Often, the catastrophic consequences you imagine don’t come true.
Build Self-Compassion – Letting go of people pleasing can be scary. Instead of criticising yourself, respond with kindness. Self-compassion helps you tolerate the discomfort of change.
As Josh put it, people pleasing often feels functional—it protects us from short-term discomfort—but over time, it blocks us from living authentically.
Being Nice vs Being Kind
One of the most useful distinctions Josh made was between being nice and being kind.
Nice: Saying yes so others will like you.
Kind: Doing something because it aligns with your values, not out of fear.
The same behaviour can look similar on the outside, but the intention behind it makes all the difference.
Therapy for People Pleasing
Many people who seek therapy for issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression discover that people pleasing is part of the picture. In CBT and ACT, therapists help clients:
Understand the role people pleasing plays in their life
Explore how it relates to their values
Practice new behaviours, like assertiveness and boundary setting
Develop healthier ways of relating to thoughts and feelings
By learning to notice the urge to please and choosing more value-based actions, people can create more fulfilling, balanced lives.
Final Thoughts
People pleasing often begins as a survival strategy—but it doesn’t have to define who you are. By exploring your values, practicing boundaries, and building self-compassion, it’s possible to move from living for others to living authentically.
If this conversation resonates with you, check out our full episode with Josh on Therapists in the Hot Seat. We dive deeper into these themes with practical strategies you can start using today.
👉 Follow us on Instagram and Spotify to keep up with future episodes, or get in touch with us directly if you have questions or want to share your own experience. We’d love to hear from you.
